Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I Tried to Cry Today

I have been needing a good cry for a while now. But the tears have not come. Why? Why not? I don't know.

My sister called me today. She let out a cry of regret. She confessed to me that she has not been a good daughter to our mother. And she is hurting today because of it. (now I don't agree with her...and neither does our mother, but she is recounting her past and feeling bad about it....I do know what that feels like.)

You see, my mom has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. It has been a major wake up call to my family. We knew life was precious and a gift, but that has been magnified times 1000! Now it's my mom they are talking about. I'm not ready for this.

Usually, I'm the crier in the family. I easily cry. Not Tricia, my sister. She's the strong one. The tough girl who can take it. With the latest trial in our lives though, our roles are reversed. She's crying like crazy and I haven't been able to cry at all....and that bothers me. I feel like crying. I don't know if I'm ignoring my feelings or just trying to stand strong. Just when I feel like I could let it all go, I don't. I think I'm partially numb and also partially scared and mad and sad and just in disbelief. Not my mother. No, please. I need her too much.

I have never been through anything like this in my life. And I don't like it one bit. Please pray for my mom. She's such an amazing mom.

Love,

Melissa

14 comments:

Mel Is A Yam said...

I'll be praying for you, Melissa. That's the same way I felt when my mother was in the hospitable for some unknown illness. It was minor, and she's okay now, but at the time, I was terrified.

The tears will come naturally, but in the meantime, don't forget God's faithfulness!

My name is Melissa too. I've been reading your blogs and devotionals for some time now, and I just want to say that I've been blessed by them. Thank you.

Joyful said...

My very sweet and precious friend, tears will find their voice at the right time. Don't be concerned about the lack of them right now. I remember a time when the Lord gave me a strength that was foreign to my natural response - instead of crying, I was in control and brave and strong...until..He placed that one friend before me who just knew me so well, and with who I felt so safe and the floodgates opened and I cried like I had never cried before.

Melissa, I'm praying for you and all your family and your Mom every day. Having taken this very same walk almost 7 years ago now with my husbands Mom, it's not an easy road, but one we don't walk alone.

I wish I lived closer - you have no idea how often the Lord has placed you on my mind and I just wish I could give you a hug. You are soooooo loved by this crazy little Canadian. You have touched my life in ways you may never fully know.

Don't get mad at yourself for not crying now...it's funny how role reversal can happen in a family at a time of crisis. If you are being true to yourself and not living in denial, rejoice how God is sustaining you and don't allow Satan to turn this gift of strength into something wrong or bad.

Love & hugs always,
Joy

Cheri Bunch said...

Dear Melissa~

I am so sorry that you are having to walk through this valley. I lost my dad 3 years ago. It was such a painful time.

The first time I attended She Speaks was his first birthday weekend after his death. I nearly drowned myself in tears that first speaker evaluation. Thank the Lord for Charlene Kidd. She totally embraced me, broken heart and all.

The Lord blesses with His amazing grace to gird us and get us through these times of difficulty. I have often been surprised by His strength. He has carried me through the worst of times.

Our tears are so precious to the Lord........I believe that He even saves the tears that never reach our face but He captures them from our weeping hearts. He will not waste our tears.

I pray that you will feel His warm embrace as He demonstrates His great love for you in your time of suffering.

Love and blessings,
Cheri

Chef Diane said...

Melissa,

I have been crying so much these days because of my own life. I have a lot of tissues, if you need to cry just do it. I have continued to keep your mom and your family in my prayers. Even the tough ones cry once in a while.
I am sending you an email in a few minutes with some other thoughts.
Hugging you in my heart,
Diane

Jess said...

Melissa, savor each moment. This part of your journey is incredibly difficult. May God continue to hold you in His strong and loving arms as you minister to your mother. I just walked through the valley of lung cancer with my Mom. We had 20 months and look forward to the sweetest re-union.

Rachel Olsen said...

Sounds like you are cycling through some common stages of grief ... shock, denial, anger. The tears will eventually come. I'm so sorry about your mom - I'm praying for you and your family. Having lost my mother to cancer when I was 17, I empathize with you, dear friend.

BIG HUGS ~ R

Anonymous said...

Hey There Melissa,
God has your emotions in the place he knows you need to be right now to deal with things, and most likely where your family needs you as well. as the other women said your tears will come.
Remember I am praying for you.
Sweet Blessings & Hugs,
Margaret

nothingcanseparateme said...

I guess the Lord wants to hold back the tears ... for now. They will come and they will come at the perfect time.

I had a similar situation when my Father-in-law had brain cancer. My husband & I were the only family in the area and so I spent a lot of time helping my mother-in-law with his care and her support. I remember feeling guilty at times that I couldn't cry. I think I was just in "service" mode. But the tears came eventually and they wouldn't stop, along with the anger and disappointment and every other emotion. It was a tough time but I am so thankful that I could be there for him/them.

You are in my prayers! Laugh & Love with your Momma.
hugs to you,
Kim

www.traciemiles.blog.spot said...

Melissa, you are in my prayers each day. I so enjoyed spending time together on Wednesday, I hope we can do it more often. I believe that God is giving you a strength that you and your family need, even though it surpasses your own undertanding. I am usually one to try to hold it together too, for the sake of everyone else, but when the right time comes, you will release those emotions and God will replace your tears with compassion, comfort and grace. He is with you. Your heart is so precious, and your mom is lucky to have two wonderful daughters who love her so much.

Elizabeth Whitehead said...

Melissa, Tommy's dad was also diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer out of nowhere last year. It was a very hard, confusing road. The doctors he had (here in Charlotte) we did not have a good experience with. One that he did not use but we would highly recommend is Dr. Pal with Carolinas Hematology-Oncology Assoc. in Ballantyne. He is very active in the LungCancer community. Here are some other resources. http://www.lungevity.org,
http://www.lungcanceronline.org
http://www.nationallungcancerpartnership.org
I am praying for your family for strength. As someone reminded me when we were going through it, "God's grace is sufficient!" He will carry you when you need it. Blessing to you all! Elizabeth & Tommy Whitehead:)

Kelly C said...

Hey Melissa,
Jesus, said "Do not be afraid, but trust in Me." I believe he said this because He knew we would be scared at many times in our lives. His Holy word says, "Christ saw us in our mother's womb, even before we were created". He sees your sweet mom and I know He has her life in His hands. He has blessed your mom with a precious daughter, who loves her so much!! The same is true for your sister! That is an awesome gift that I know you treasure.
It is so hard to imagine life, here on earth, without your mom, the ONE person that loves you UNconditionally, since the day you were born. What a blessing God has given you. Your mom...your best friend...who loves you "no matter what" and who will always tell you the truth, and would give HER LIFE for YOURS.

It is hard for anyone, except Jesus, to understand the pain you're feeling right now. The honest truth is, NO ONE can truely understand you, except JESUS. I have found true comfort and peace when I pour out my feelings to only Him. This experience is so personal and so deep, that no one could know how you feel inside. Even if someone ripped your heart open and looked inside, they would only be able to see how broken it is. My heart truely goes out to you. Just a few years ago, my mom was also diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. I will pray for your mother, for a divine strength and peace in her soul that passing ALL understanding. I am here for you, and I am praying for you, sister in Christ. I am here to be your friend. My prayer is that you will trust in Jesus, even when you're scared, and you can't see the path before you. Many times, you will feel numb, like you have nothing left to pray, or to give anyone. But just remember, Jesus promised He would never leave you nor forsake you. So hold on to the hope you have in Christ. Jesus is there with you. He hears your prayer, even when you can't shed a tear or even speak a word.

Love and prayers,

Kelly

Cheri Bunch said...

Melissa~
I received my P31 Magazine the other day. What a great article! I appreciate you so much. We all are called to be overcomers but often hate to admit to the things we need to overcome! Your openness will help so many!

I hope you feel Him carrying you today!

Blessings,
Cheri

Lynn Cowell said...

Melissa,
You will be in my prayers tonight. I have been where you are.
Love, Lynn

HIS Child said...

Melissa,
God bless you and your honesty. I will be praying that every moment you and your mom spend together is special.
I was listening to a radio program the other day and it talked about grandparents and a lasting legacy that they can give to their grandchildren. It went on to say that the best gift you can give your grandbabies is a video of your life. Letting them know all about you. The trials, triumphs, sweet memories.
I pray that this suggestion touches your heart in the way it was intended. God is faithful and we don't know His plan for your mom. God bless you and your family as you walk this road, and when the tears come think of his gentle hand placing each one in your tear bottle.
Love,
Celeste