Emotional

I was looking for a word to describe me lately. Emotional is all I could come up with. I have experienced so many emotions over the past 2-3 weeks, I feel like I could've been 15 different people. But also though, I feel like I haven't felt at all. I know that makes no sense. But much of the time I've felt numb. And the numbness has been a gift from God. At times I think if I could've "felt" what I was really feeling, I would be a basket case. Maybe gone over the edge.

I have not blogged in quite some time. The last time I blogged my Mom was getting ready to go into the hospital. She's now been in there for 1 and 1/2 weeks and will probably be there for another couple weeks. She had major surgery, the first of it's kind. And it was successful. But there is recovery and rehab. But when it's all said and done, this cancer is gone and there will be just the lung cancer to deal with.

But let me say this. Seeing my Mom go through so much has been excruciating on me. I can't take it, yet I can. This woman who I love is suffering. She's too young. And she blames herself. She keeps apologizing to me. It kills me. But I put up a front. I wear a mask to cover the pain. I think my Mom does too.

I'm at the beach now. After staying in the hospital 6 nights with Mom, I was given the blessing of a break. Friends and family are stepping up to help out. My sister is here from Dallas, TX. My mother in law has stayed with my Mom for 2 nights. Donna is keeping all the dogs (mine and Mom's). Denise has volunteered to stay with Mom one night. Cindy stayed with Mom last night. Aunt Gloria stayed on Sat. I'm so thankful for all of them. I've been at the beach for 2 days now. I have to admit, I felt guilty for coming. But I also know I was worn out and almost ready to crack. The break is good and I'm so thankful for all of the help. I'm really glad to have my sister here.

So, what are my emotions right now? Well, I went on a walk today. Down the beach in the middle of the day. I was thinking about Mom. I was thinking about life. I was thinking about losing my Mom. I was thinking about the loss of life. I got really sad for the first time. My breathing got heavy. I was somewhat angry for having to deal with this. But I also understand that the Master has a plan. I returned to peace.

I just started reading "The Shack" today. I'm half way through it and I can't wait to read the rest. I can tell it's life changing. There are so many lines I've highlighted in the book already that I plan to write about later.

I don't really know what I've written thus far. Hope it made some sense. Today is my 2nd child's birthday. He is 14. Hayden is 14. God bless him. And I thank God for him.

Now I must go. I am watching "wrastlin" with my husband's grandmothers. What a hoot. One is 87 and the other 92. This time with them is priceless! I can't quit laughing! We have 4 generations right here. Watchin' "wrastlin". Lovely!

Blessings,
Melissa

Pray For Mom!

To anyone who reads this,My Mom is having major surgery at 7:30 am, Thursday, June 18, 2009. She is having a colostomy and hopefully the surgeon will be able to remove all the cancer in that area. Pray for that please!

She still has lung cancer, but if this other cancer can be controlled, she can atleast live without pain. I'll be updating all day tomorrow on the blogs, FaceBook ( http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/melissa.r.taylor?ref=profile ), Twitter ( http://twitter.com/MelissaRTaylor ) , and my mom's CaringBridge site ( http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/beckynunn1/journal ).

Thank you for your prayers.

Love,

Melissa

****Edit, Thurs, June 18th, 2:03 pm EST

I updated Mom's CaringBridge site with the details from her surgery. Click the CaringBridge link above if you want details. And thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers. I was lifted by them. Out of this trial, for me, the biggest blessing has come in the form of prayers by friends, co-workers (who are also friends), and people I've never even met before (like many of you) who I also consider friends. Thank you so much! If I could, I'd hug you all real big right now!

Devotion running today...

I have a devotion running today. It's called "Once...Always." You can check it out here: http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2009/06/once-always.html . Then read my follow up on my other blog, http://beautifulp31.blogspot.com/2009/06/who-are-you.html. I'd love to hear your comments and thoughts.

Today I am still basking in the wonderful time I had at my Mom's. She was in a great mood and little pain. What a blessing! Me and kids visited. My friend, Donna, and her daughter, Sydney, came too. My mom's hubby, Bud, cooked hamburgers on the grill. We had watermelon. We had a great time together. Her surgery is this Thursday. Please keep her in your prayers.

Thanks a bunch!
Love,

Melissa

Fun Friday

It's Friday. And I guess it's been fun. This has been a crazy week. Mostly good, very busy. Are my weeks any other way?

It's late. 11:30ish as I write. I'm going back and forth between email, twitter, facebook, and my blog. I'm also watching a movie with Hayden, my 13 yr old son (Shredderman Rules). There are others in the room, but they have drifted off. So, I guess I'm multi-tasking.

Earlier tonight, Hayley Grace had dress rehearsal for her dance recital. Friday nights are usually reserved for doing NOTHING! "Nothing" didn't start until around 10:30 due to the rehearsal. Tomorrow will be busy as well. Hayden is attending a bat mitzvah, Hayley Grace is attending Sydney's 9th birthday party (Happy Birthday Syd!), and our family is celebrating Dylan's 5th grade graduation. Sunday we will go to church in the morning and HG's dance recital in the afternoon. Then............rest. Right? LOL!

Some great news came our way this week. About my mom. Check it out here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/beckynunn1. Click "journal" to get the latest update. It is really good for a change!

Are you having fun? Has summer officially started for you? What are you doing this summer? Let me know!

And have a blessed and beautiful weekend!
Love you much,

Melissa

It Won't Be Like This For Long

There is a country song by Darius Rucker (you know Hootie??? aka Hootie and the Blowfish). It's "It Won't Be Like This For Long". And it's about his daughter growing up. As the song progresses, he goes through those first nights home as an infant and not getting sleep, then off to preschool and those separation anxiety days in the beginning, then growing into a teenager, marriage, etc. The first time I heard it, I just cried and cried. The song is so true!

Just today I made a comment about how quickly the house gets destroyed after I've cleaned it. I followed my complaint by saying, "but it won't be like this for long...soon enough I'll have the quiet and clean house and I'll miss this." And it's true.

My 3rd son, Dylan, graduated from elementary school today. I was prepared to get choked up, I always do where my kids are concerned. My husband took pictures during the ceremony. Every now and then I'd glance over at Jeff and my heart would just melt. How did we come together to make such a wonderful family. And how is our baby boy already going to middle school. It's because time flies. It won't be like this for long.

This afternoon, Dylan has 3 friends over to swim in the pool, eat pizza and loads of junk food, and spend the night. They think they are hot stuff. Big 5th graders, all graduated and headed for middle school. I still look at them as little boys. Wasn't it just yesterday that we had preschool graduation? That I was changing his diapers?

I took the day off work today so I could soak it all in. It may not be like this for long, but I don't want to miss a single second of it while it lasts!

Blessings,

Melissa

****FYI, Stay Tuned. In the coming weeks I'll be giving away 3 copies of "The Love Dare" in preparation for a devotion that will be running on the Proverbs 31 site very soon (The Love Dare parts 1 and 2). Shortly after that devo runs this blog will be devoted to going through "The Love Dare" for 8 weeks. Details to follow.)

Updates...

Here is a little of what's been going on lately.

1. Dylan's game did not take place on Thursday night. It was Monday night. They lost, but played a great game. Great season Cobras!

2. My mom's exam is over. The doctors have scheduled her surgery for June 18th. She will be in the hospital for 6-8 days.

3. I went to the Brad Paisley concert last Friday with my awesome friend, Donna. We had such a great time. It was pouring rain and our seats were outside. Fortunately for $10 each we were able to upgrade and sit under the shelter. The concert was fabulous. It was the first concert in my whole life that I knew every word to every song. I didn't want it to end.

4. On Saturday, 4 of my friends and all of our kids went to the No Doubt/Paramore concert. What fun. We tailgated beforehand and enjoyed the concert. I loved listening to the kids talk in the car on the way to and from the show. I learned a lot driving and pretending like I wasn't listening (but I really was!). I hope I can post some pics soon.

5. Church on Sunday...sermon on anxiety. I needed it.

6. Cleaned the office after chuch. The kids and I do this together every other week. They worked harder than ever to get it done.

7. Jeff had a great weekend getaway with his high school friends. They went to Charleston. I was so glad for him to take a break from real life and relax and play golf with guys he's known for 30 years. I missed him though!

8. Work is busier than ever. Lately I have not been finishing all I have to do before I leave. There seems to always be more. Job security is a good thing :) (It's mostly She Speaks Conference stuff and prayer requests)

9. I have officially decided to hold off on meeting with any publishers or agents at the conference this year. I thought this would be a good time because I've done so much writing and I thought I might be ready to present a proposal (or 2) this year. However, I know very clearly that this is not the year to pursue my dream of writing a book. I think I'm supposed to keep writing, but I know I need to devote my time and attention this summer to my mom. As I said before, she has a surgery scheduled for June 18th and will have another in July or August. I'm content to wait...again :)

10. Dylan "graduates" from 5th grade on Wednesday. My baby boy is leaving elementary school, I can't believe it. There will be tears I promise!

11. Hayley Grace has her dance recital this upcoming Sunday afternoon.

12. I've lost 15 pounds and I'm exercising reguarly and eating mostly healthy.

13. My son, Hayden, had an appt with a neurosurgeon. Because of his spine injuries, he will begin physical therapy soon. We are praying he will be able to play football in the fall. Unsure at this point.

Busy times, fun times, cautious times, sad times. All times for depending on the Lord and leaning on Him daily. Can't get through this life any other way. Ups and downs occur every week.

So, that's life for me lately in 13 brief bullet points. I wish I had more inspirtation and encouragement to give out right now, but I just don't. I'm sorry about that.

May you be blessed wherever you are and whatever you are going through today.

Blessings,

Melissa

Feeling Numb???

Hey. I have question marks behind the title of this post because I'm questioning my feelings. I don't have any right now! Have you ever felt numb and kind of just like you are going through the motions? That's how I feel right now.

I was talking to my friend, Donna, today. She said, "Are you okay Melissa? You don't seem like yourself." My husband, Jeff, also commented to me today, "Melsa (he calls me Melsa), tell me what's up. You don't seem like you are yourself today. Are you alright? Talk to me."

How did they know? Isn't it cool that your bestest of friends know you so well? Because without really realizing it, I was hiding. Hiding my emotions behind the busyness of life.

And that's what I do. When life gets tough, which it is, I just shut down my emotions and do what I have to do. I plan. I multitask. I do whatever I can actually "do". And I keep myself occupied so I don't have to "feel". Do you know what I mean?

I remember hearing the phrase "comfortably numb" in a song. I can't even remember which one. Maybe Duran Duran...not sure. But sometimes I hide behind a "comfortably numb" feeling. I choose comfortably numb so I don't have to face how I'm really feeling. Or I choose it so I can keep functioning and tending to the work I have set before me.

I'm so thankful that Donna and Jeff recognize when I slip into that numb and busyness state. Each of them reached out. Donna sent me an E-Card, which meant the world to me. Jeff asked me to join him outside tonight to get away from the kids and "life". We just sat and talked. I even cried a bit. But it was good. My my, how am I supposed to act when my mom is dying? This is new to me. And I don't like it. But I'm hangin on to Jesus. I love Jesus.

I am used to being an encourager. In fact that's why I write each of my blogs. It is not comfortable for me to be on the receiving end of encouragement. I prefer the opposite. And that's why lately I feel a little numb. I'm in unfamiliar territory.

Have you gone through experiences that left you feeling numb?

Blessings,

Melissa